(Alternatively titled: My Wrath for the Bath)
Okay, now that you know I’m not big on fashion statements with my kids and I don’t believe in potty training…what else have I thrown out of my parenting repertoire?
Baths.
Maybe I’ve gone full blown insane, but if so, I don’t want to be sane on this one.
Bath time, for four kids, is not a thing I want to even try to make room for. Ever.
And thankfully, I’m almost to the other side of that task—at least close enough I can see it. The day when 4/4 kids can bathe themselves.
Right now, half of my kids can tend to their own shower or bath, so if they decide they want a bath every day, I’m not going to stop them.
My wrath against the bath has nothing to do with bathing and everything to do with margin.
Back when one (at most) could take care of his own shower, but three could not…well, that was when I freed myself from the worry of bathing my kids every dang day.
It was one more thing to do. Every night. And whether a kid enjoyed it or fought me on it, it was still anxiety ridden for me.
Sometimes getting a kid to take a bath can be a real hassle, and sometimes getting a kid to leave the bath can be a real hassle.
And bath time usually falls around bed time, which is the worst time for hassle time.
Let’s be honest—when bedtime rolls around most nights, are you looking for ways to extend the day? Most nights when bedtime rolls around, I am so ready to give hugs and kisses and tuck everyone in, because
I. AM. TIRED.
I’m ready to pick up a book or turn on a show or try to have a conversation with a grown up…and inevitably fall asleep within five minutes. The less things we have to do at bedtime, the better, in our house.
In our house.
Your house can look different.
If skipping a bath time is more of a punishment than a freedom, bath time is a thing that matters at your house!
Don’t punish yourself with anything in your parenting- if giving a kid a bath every night is rewarding and peaceful to you, you definitely should do that.
But if you don’t want to give your kid a bath– you don’t have to.
Bath time is usually pretty peaceful here now because it rarely happens. Routine daily baths was neither rewarding nor peaceful for on the parenting end of things here.
Now that the weather is nice, most nights, my kids would rather play outside an extra amount of time than come in a little early to take a bath before bed. I’m not going to interfere with that, because it is peaceful for our family.
Practically speaking, we aim for at least one bath a week here. Older kids likely shower more often than that. I say likely because what do I even know? They can take care of themselves. I am free of this responsibility with them and I am so okay with this. If I notice someone stinking, I’m the first to say- GO. SHOWER. NOW.
Scientifically speaking, it’s good to skip baths now and then. Frequent bathing can be very drying for your skin. Daily showers can disrupt our body’s natural microbiome, which lives in and on our bodies– and is important to our digestion and immune system function.
I mean, science. That right there is a free ticket to dodge bath time. SCIENCE.
Emotionally and intellectually speaking, what I want for every parent is what I so desperately wish I had known early on in my parenting-
we don’t all have to be the same.
You don’t have to do everything the same way it’s always been done, or the same way everyone you know does it. It’s okay to stop and think for a second and decide what works and doesn’t work for you/your kid/your family.
You’re building a life and you get to leave in what you love and throw out what you don’t. It’s really beautiful. It’s so freeing to know “this doesn’t work for me. Instead of fighting it and learning to embrace it, I think it’s something I can just let go.”
It took a really big crisis in our life for me to begin to realize this, but through that, the Lord was gracious to open doors to friends and families who had learned this before me, and they’ve encouraged me and been supportive of my parenting journey. I hope every parent reading this has that for themselves and is that for someone.
A decision that is right for one family isn’t necessarily right for every family, even if that decision is seemingly benign.
That’s because, in Christ, nothing is actually benign. There is significance in every decision we make—does the presence or absence of this thing bring glory to God? Does this enhance or impede my relationship with the children God has given me? Is this thing taking away from the energy I need for something of more value? Nothing is “just” a thing.
So. Does this mean you tell your kids at supper tonight that baths are over, cancelled indefinitely? I don’t know. Only you know what those routines look like at your house, only you know what’s worth keeping and tossing.
Your margins don’t have to be the same as mine. Some of us can function on less margin than others. I need a big fat margin to be the best version of a mom I know how to be. I don’t always get a big fat margin, but I work pretty hard to retain one.
It means looking at life and realizing some of the things that aren’t working for the good of your family relationships can go. Because those things…well,
They. Do. Not. Matter.
We’ve already talked about what does matter—relationships and values.
In our relationships, there are going to be things that matter more to us than anyone else in those same relationships. Things that we value. And sometimes, those are things we can toss. And sometimes, those aren’t.
When something matters to us and it isn’t something we can do without, but no one around us seems to notice it or recognize it matters to us…we can begin to ask ourselves “Do my feelings not matter? If this is stressful to me, isn’t working through it important?”
These questions may be our way of realizing that we’re feeling invisible. Feeling like things that matter to you are going unseen can leave you feeling bitter (ask me how I know). This is really, really hard. And you’re really, really not alone.
You matter. Your heart matters. Feeling seen and heard—being seen and heard—matters. But the actual stuff, it doesn’t matter.
The baths, the clothes, the dirty dishes, the trash needing to be taken out again, the unfinished projects…they don’t matter. You matter, your feelings matter, your relationships matter—the things, the tasks…they’re just vessels.
Vessels capable helping you find freedom, understanding, grace. Vessels capable of helping you find bondage and bitterness.
Don’t wound a relationship over a thing that isn’t worthy of such an injury.
There will be things that matter to you, and it will be kind and right for your family to oblige you in that “stuff” that feels like it matters– because YOU matter, so what feels significant to you should matter to those who say you matter. And when we feel like those needs are being met, it helps us feel safe and calms our anxiety. Remembering that “stuff” is in fact just stuff can help calm our anxieties, too.
If you’re curious about other things of mine, things that don’t really matter anymore to me…things that almost made the list for these three posts, but not quite– here they are:
*reading age
*full schedules
*clean rooms/things not put away perfectly
*décor, especially in the kids’ rooms/bathrooms
*having kids and “nice things” simultaneously
So, what’s your list? What are some things you thought you’d “always” or thought you’d “never”…but later, you realized always and never are kinda intense terms? I’d love to hear how life/time/circumstance has shifted your perspective and helped you grow.
You’re doing a great job.
©Alisha H. Cary 2020
