Part 1
Have you ever had something that was a hill to die on (for you)…and later you realized that thing just didn’t really matter? At every stage in my life, I’ve got some of these– and I know there will be more.
When someone tells us “this is the way to [whatever],” especially when we have no idea how to do [whatever], our ears usually tune in. The older we get, I think the more apt we are to sift the information that floods us, but when we are just starting out in whatever phase of life we are in, often we need, want, and seek advice.
And whatever sticks, sometimes sticks like glue. Super glue. And sometimes those things even begin to feel restrictive- or maybe they don’t, but life can some days feel really small, and beg the question– is [whatever] really necessary? Does it really matter? And the answer is often a big fat NOPE.
Today I want to look at one thing that has been a part of my parenting life that at some point I realized “this just doesn’t matter.” Over the next two weeks, I hope you’ll join me here as we look at a few more. To keep things balanced, we’ll also talk about a few things that do matter.
Disclaimer: I don’t really want to write a disclaimer but I feel like we live in an age where you almost have to– Yes, there are exceptions to the things we are going to be discussing. Yes, there is MORE than this one thing in my world that doesn’t really matter. There are MORE things in my world that don’t really matter than we will cover- more than I am even aware of to date.
No, I’m not judging you if these things also (or still) matter to you. I’m not saying these things, or any other things, can’t matter to you. We will talk more about that at the end. We are in it together, on the same team.
Disclaimer over. I hope we are all still friends.
Without further fanfare, here is one of many things I’ve discovered after thirteen years of parenting that just does not matter:
1) Character Clothing
I bet you were expecting something more profound.
I remember when my second born was in the hospital and we didn’t know if he would live or die, and mundanely, my oldest child needed new shoes. Something so seemingly normal, in the midst of a tragedy.
So, I left my baby at the hospital with my husband, and took my oldest to Kohl’s.
Where he immediately chose a pair of Toy Story shoes.
I think they may have also sported red flashing lights.
Does anyone else kinda hate this stuff?
Y’all, up to that point, I had fiercely rebuked everything character-y. For three full blown years. And light up stuff?!? HECK NO.
If that kid would’ve needed shoes two months earlier, I’d have shut those Toy Story shoes down REAL QUICK. Or more likely, would have done everything to keep him from even seeing those shoes.
But instead, those shoes, that day, became a sort of Ebenezer in my life.
It was like a veil was lifted and I realized, this is not a thing worth caring about. It doesn’t matter.
The juxtaposition of what mattered in that very moment and what didn’t could not have been clearer.
I saw the joy in his little 3 year old face when he saw those shoes. And I bought the shoes. He wore the shoes. It was fine.
His brothers- including the one who lay in the hospital bed that Toy Story Shoe Day- wore them later in life and loved them. And every time I unpacked those shoes from the storage tubs they lived in between kids, I was reminded of that lesson learned that day.
1 B. Matching (and its cousins, backwards clothes and untied shoes):
If you’ve got a kid who puts his shoes on the wrong feet every day, even if he knows the right way, and it just doesn’t bother him, or a kid who wears clothes backwards or wrong-side out and doesn’t even notice…you need to know you aren’t alone.
I’ve got one of those. I’ve seen him wear jeans backwards, unaware!
I didn’t let him leave his jeans on backwards the day that happened, but…so what if I had?
Regarding matching– my bigger kids understand matching pretty well, but they don’t apply their understanding.
This is a situation I do not expect them to outgrow, considering when I met their father some of his favorite outfits included some version of a red
t-shirt and orange athletic shorts.
This behavior didn’t change when we started dating, and if he still had orange gym shorts today, I doubt it would be any different now. He does still have at least one of those same old red t-shirts and wears it regularly.
You don’t have to embrace this clothing chaos I’ve embraced. If you know me in real life, you likely know that being easy going, la-di-da, is not natural behavior for me.
I didn’t get here on the clothes stuff easily– but I did get here quickly- right there in the middle of the Kohl’s shoe section over a decade ago.
The only thing I’m saying here is that this stuff does.not.matter.
What difference does it REALLY make?
If it drives you crazy, correct it. No one’s stopping you.
But sometimes the things that drive us crazy also begin to drive our lives.
And that’s a dangerous lane to be in.
You’re free to leave behind what isn’t serving you.
Things that do matter:
Relationships. Anything that strains your relationships is worth reevaluating. Is it necessary? If so, is there a way it can stay but your relationship can be mended? You’ve got to find that way.
If there is no way, it is not worth enduring for any amount of time. It has to go. Your relationship with God, your spouse, or your child is always worth more than whatever is taking you away from that relationship.
Values. The values you are teaching your kids DO matter. Those values look different for each family. In my house, I hope our kids are learning:
*their need for Jesus.
*that Jesus loves them.
*to be kind.
*to help when someone is struggling.
*to love.
*to forgive.
*that all coffee is not created equal.
* a few more things I’ll share next week.
So remember, friend–
I’m not saying the way your kids dress can’t matter to you.
I am saying, emphatically, in the scheme of eternity, the way your kids dress doesn’t matter.
It isn’t worth a heavy emotional investment.
Over the next couple of weeks of posts, I want us to take a look at what we are investing in or what we have left behind. Are we adding life to life, or taking life from life?
There are things I will choose to keep in my life that someone else chooses to throw away- our choices don’t have to be the same. We are in this together, on the same team.
So do what you need to do. Be consistent. Be intentional. Teach good things. Have fun. Love. Be silly. And take a look at the things around you- take the time to assess if they all really matter.
And if in doubt, buy the Toy Story shoes.
Keep what is good. Do not hesitate to leave what is lacking.
Some things, many things, most things, really just don’t matter.
You don’t have to look much longer than a second to find what does.
You’re free to ditch the dross.
Your list may look very different from mine– but what have you learned over time just doesn’t matter? I’d absolutely love to see your list in the comments!
©Alisha H. Cary 2020
