I’m too much. I’m not enough. I’m just not good enough.
We don’t need people to tell us we aren’t good enough.
We tell ourselves when:
We lose our temper.
Someone lashes out at us.
Another basket of undone laundry stares at us.
Another floor sits very obviously needing to be cleaned.
There are too many things needing to be done—too many for just one person to do.
Some days we give ourselves grace…some days we are too easy on ourselves, dismissive of things we need to do better about…but some days, we are too hard on ourselves.
Where do we learn to be too hard on ourselves?
Is it rooted in something someone said to us a long (or not so long) time ago?
Something we read somewhere?
Failed attempt after failed attempt at something, anything?
I don’t think it comes from nowhere, but I don’t know for sure where exactly it does come from.
But I do know one place it comes from at least sometimes, for I’d say almost all of us.
One of our favorite hangs.
Social media.
And this beating ourselves up comes from social media in at least two ways.
1. The Highlight Reel
This is the least surprising and most common way we are too hard on ourselves.
Now, if you’re a highlight reel poster, don’t stress at this information. I love the highlight reel. I post my highlight reel. I’m the one who has to see “on this day a year ago” and such—and I don’t want to relive the garbage I might have been living through that day!
But I’m more worried about what doing this does to everyone else. Because I know what everyone else’s highlight reel does for me.
(Aside from the fact it can make me happy- of course I’m happy for everyone’s highlight reel- it’s all the good stuff. I’m happy for moments together and picturesque days and sweet snuggles with kids and anniversaries celebrated and babies born.)
When in the middle of moments together, one of my kids hits the other one or I lose my temper over dirty dishes in the dishwasher being put up with all my clean dishes, it’s sometimes easy to think we’re the only ones with a moment like this.
A day like this.
A season like this.
We’re the only ones with the messed up highlight reel.
But I don’t think that’s true. I think everyone has a messed up highlight reel.
Somewhere, something isn’t perfect.
But if we aren’t a little bit vulnerable and open about sharing so, we can leave an impression that things are never messy or difficult in our home.
The truth is, we have the right to withhold all that garbage. We have a right to never post a word about it.
And I will still love seeing your highlight reel even if you never deviate from it. Because it’s a good highlight reel!
But if you ever have a day that’s a little bit junky, and you happen to post something about it…I will love that, too. Not because of the junky day, but because you and me—we’re a we.
We are both participants and/or bystanders in junky days sometimes.
And when I have a day where I find a fully blown up balloon in the washing machine, or a kid carting around a toy I know they dug to the bottom of the nasty trashcan for (because I hid it there when I cleaned out the garage), I will know I’m not alone.
Other moms have weird days, too.
Other kids do weird things, too.
It’s true that comparison is the thief of joy–
But when you’re vulnerable and share the prickly days as well as the polished ones, my heart is warmed in a sisterhood kind of way.
We can’t attain 100% “shiny” status in our days, because it isn’t attainable. It isn’t real.
We are all messed up in some sort of way. We all fall apart in some way. Because we’re all sinners.
So don’t be afraid to show your fellow humans that sometimes your days are glamorous and sometimes your days are gross—if you want to.
By communicating both, you communicate a message of:
“This is real life. You’re not missing out on some big secret that makes everything picturesque. There is nothing that can do that. That’s called a filter. And it’s a big fat one. Real life isn’t just that stuff. Most of real life ranges from mundane to messy, for all of us. You’re doing a good job. And no matter what your day looks like, the only way you’re making it through that day is by the great grace of God.”
2. The Pre-Script or Post-Script
The second way social media can be damaging of our perception of ourselves (and others) has to do with a different kind of post entirely. It could be about anything, but it usually comes with some kind of a commentary encouraging or chastising a certain choice/behavior.
I’d be hard pressed to come up with a specific example that isn’t divisive, because by nature these posts are set up to divide. But I’ll do my best to explain. Using a super lame example.
Something like this:
“YES! THIS article! SO good! I can not believe anyone would ever do anything other than clip their lawn with scissors! Anyone who clips their lawn using anything other than scissors is a complete idiot!”
So, with this kind of post, a passionate statement is made. I don’t think we mean to be hurtful when we post things like this.
But it can be hurtful, because harsh words stick.
What if I clip my grass with a lawnmower? I guess if the poster, my friend, knew this about me, she’d think I’m a complete idiot. Or would she? Maybe she was just firing off her fingers really fast and not really thinking about how those words might actually stick to someone.
When we make posts like this, we potentially reveal to people we think people “like them” are lacking in some way.
Whether we feel this way or not, making statements like this can be damaging to real life relationships and cause people to feel emotionally guarded when they are around us.
This is especially true in person, especially if specific topic comes up in an actual conversation! “Oh your lawn looks so nice! How do you take care of it?”
No one wants to feel emotionally guarded around their friends.
This scenario plays out in the relationship so awkwardly because one party is usually completely unaware of the situation.
It also plays out in a way that impacts the way we think about ourselves sometimes. “Well maybe I AM clipping my lawn wrong. Maybe it WOULD be better if I would use scissors. What’s my problem?!”
We begin judging ourselves by someone else’s standard. WHAT?!? It doesn’t make sense, but it happens!
And there is no human being worthy enough, good enough, perfect enough for us to judge ourselves by their standard. When this happens, we are being deceived.
There is but one standard we are to hold ourselves to, and as far as I know, the method we use to trim our lawn isn’t a hill He died on.
We are listening to each other, friends!
What are we SAYING?!
James writes that a forest can be set ablaze by a small fire—and that our tongues are a fire, setting on fire the entire course of life…and that every beast and bird can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. (excerpts from James 3, ESV)
The words we “speak” from behind a screen are no different. And truthfully, it’s easier to speak unbridled when you aren’t face to face with someone. And that’s a part of what makes it so dangerous.
If we read things that pit us against each other and we post them, we pick a side.
We’re adults, we’re allowed to pick sides and make decisions for ourselves.
But our dialogue around the information we share shouldn’t be spiteful. Because there are some people we love on the other side—the other side of the screen and the other side of the issue.
And they’ll see our words. We may not know it, but they will. Our real life friends will see these words. Someone we’re just getting to know will see our words. Our family members will see our words. And sometimes, our words will hurt.
And our friends will maybe work through it and love us anyway. But it won’t be easy. And sometimes, they won’t work through it and love us anyway, they’ll close themselves off from us.
And I know, some people will think that’s dumb, because its just social media. But our social media accounts are a pretty clear representation of who we are. Or who we want to be.
Does this mean you can’t share that super cool article you read about the best way to clip the lawn? (Or something potentially divisive that is actually of substance?) NO! I think the way we manage our social media content is our choice.
But if we are believers, the statements we make on our social media should fall in line with what we are called to do—love our neighbor as ourselves. Even if our neighbor doesn’t do anything the way we think is right.
Especially when we are talking about non-essentials, things that should never set up dividing walls or make someone feel like they “can’t sit with us.”
If we are sharing our own narrative in a hurtful, accusatory, name calling type of way, we are setting up dividing lines among our fellow kinsmen. WHY?
A brick laid one at a time eventually builds a wall.
I think so many of us are weary of feeling unloved, or unseen, or not enough, or too much…We can see so much of everyone right now, things we’d never see or know without the technology we have—because we wouldn’t be “friends” with this many people and we certainly wouldn’t know insider details about this many of our friends.
I think it would be a fun place to live where we can have good friends, even good friends who do things very differently from us. Where we didn’t allow these topics or decisions to exclusively form or divide our friendships.
Because the essence of who we are is so much deeper than that. Knowing each other at our best and worst and weirdest and loving each other anyway makes us friends. Those friendships are the rarest, but they are also the most rewarding.
This doesn’t mean divisive topics are off the table. When you are seen and loved, no matter what, when those topics come up a real discussion can happen. Honesty can be shared, and love (and civility) can still be there. And this? This is GOOD.
We don’t want to told we’re loved because we’re friends or family– we want to be loved because we are KNOWN and…loved. Period. Not loved “even though” we’re hard to love.
We don’t want to be loved in spite of something that makes us different, we want to be loved for who God has made us to be—and He has certainly NOT made us all the same.
But we are all Image Bearers.
I want to love you for the you that you are, and the you God is making you to be.
I don’t want the weird junk to be in the way of that—even if that weird divisive stuff is at the core of who we are. Why does it have to divide? Why can we not love even that about one another?
We don’t have to be ALIKE to LOVE one another.
Also, I do not clip our lawn with scissors.
We use goats.
And a lawnmower.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Philippians 4:8 ESV
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Romans 12:18 ESV
©Alisha H. Cary 2020
