To the Parents Who Never Signed Up to Stay at Home, and the Ones Who Did

This one’s to all my friends who find themselves at home in ways they’d never planned to be…and also find their children home with them.

My friends who are trying to work from home, and care for their kids, while the world around us is in some kind of weird chaos. It’s weird to work from home if that’s not what you do. It’s weirder if your kids are there. It’s weird for your kids to not be in school. It’s weirder if their home is now their school and that wasn’t ever your plan.

Lots of plans are askew right now. Lots of lives that were running smoothly (this is a relative statement because I don’t know many parents who would say life is running smoothly on any kind of consistent basis) are now completely disrupted. And we just don’t know how to process it. Some of us are probably doing better than others, but I’d say I’m not overgeneralizing making the statement everyone is struggling somehow right now.

What I’ve kept coming back to all week, as my state is making arrangements for virtual learning so kids can be taught at home with the assistance of their parents, if they’re in a situation that allows for that, is that even in the most perfect of situations, this is hard stuff. The schools closing and switching to virtual learning doesn’t directly affect my kids and I, because we homeschool anyway. It affects my husband because he works as an administrator in the school system (not just our school system at home, either– he’s bonafide). But I’d be lying if I said all of the events around us right now aren’t also affecting my homeschool, because they’re affecting our homeschool teacher (that’s me).

I’d bet the events around us are affecting your kids’ new teacher, too. And he/she isn’t really their new teacher, because undoubtedly they’ve been learning more from you over the course of their lives than you can imagine. So let this be my first “you’ve got this” offering. Don’t worry, there are more of those coming.

How the heck would this affect me, a homeschool mom? Well– anyone else feel scattered, confused, totally out of place or lost? I know this can’t be just me. In fact, I know it isn’t because I’ve talked to some of you (via text or marco polo or zoom or some other safe social distance form of talking). And with my heart and mind being pulled and distracted by all the things around us right now, there isn’t a lot of room for my best laid plans of home education right now.

I usually prep our school for the following week the Wednesday and Thursday before. I did that before Spring Break. Then we had Spring Break/Social Distancing Initiation Week. And then, I just couldn’t regurgitate all of the beautiful things I had planned for this current week. The margin just wasn’t there. So I left it on the shelf. We’ll get back to it. Lord knows we have time.

This week hasn’t been perfect or even close to it, but we’ve spent time doing the parts of school we can manage, and some new things too. Our days have included math, reading, piano practice (our first Zoom lesson is today), PE (thank you Coach Joe), Art (thank you Art for Kids and Mo Willems), zoology (thank you to so many of the zoos doing streams!), and a few read alouds (Thank you Jennifer Trafton and Andrew Peterson and Save with Stories— and so many others out there that we aren’t using yet! Please feel free to leave suggestions in the comments!)

We have utilized things like these now and then in the past, but right now there are so many available at once, it’s such a rich smorgasbord of offerings! The weather has been nice this week so the kids have been able to be outdoors soaking up sun and playing together (perk of having four right now, for sure…but please also know, they do fight).

And some days, even this adjusted schedule has been too much for my mental health. And that’s okay. Everyone is struggling somehow right now.

The difference is- I signed up for this, I planned for this, I chose this. Not the pandemic. Not the struggle (although those are present in every homeschool), but the education at home. And many of my friends find themselves overwhelmed right now, because this wasn’t their plan. This isn’t what they signed up for. And they’re ready to dive in or maybe they’re terrified to dive in, but there are varying degrees of anxiety, because this isn’t something they expected or could plan for.

Our family made a conscious decision, we have poured lots of time into choosing the curriculum that fits our family best, and spent many of years using things we didn’t love or that didn’t have a great return on investment before we got to where we are today. Which still isn’t perfect. I change things every year! But it was our choice. One I’d choose again, and am thankful to have the right to choose. And thankful there are other choices for those who want and need those.

Homeschooling isn’t just doing some kind of school at home– for most homeschooling families, it is a lifestyle. It drives their every day. It’s a culture. It’s why people sometimes think we’re weirdos. And that’s because sometimes we are. And that’s okay. We signed up for it, willingly. And most of us love it, even if we have days we think, feel, or say otherwise. It’s the same as anything else you’re passionate about…there will be days that are harder than others, but if it’s your love, you don’t leave it.

But that element is missing right now in the learning so many of us are being thrust into– not because the desire for it isn’t there, but because everything is so emergent– there hasn’t been time to cultivate a culture. And that’s okay, because this is temporary. But that’s also part of the reason this is hard- what you’re doing, parents of children who go to school outside of the home, is harder than what your homeschool friends are doing on the daily. It is you, thrown in a position you never expected, with very little warning. And many of you are afraid or stressed or worried or unsure. I’m here to tell you– don’t be afraid. Don’t be stressed. You’re doing a good job. (There ya go.) And some of you are excited– embrace that. You’re doing a good job, too.

That being said, friend, who now finds yourself with a lot of or a little schoolwork for your kids, or finds yourself needing to fill the gaps of time with something, anything for your kids to do, or finds yourself worrying you won’t be good enough/do enough/your kids will fall behind– hear it: you’re enough. You’re good enough. They are going to be fine. And there’s another “you’ve got this” for ya.

No one has ever done this exact thing before. I’ve homeschooled, but not in a quarantine. Sure, my kids’ teacher likes to stay home. But we also go to piano lessons and the library, and with the nice weather, we’d likely be at a park or the zoo at some point. We play with friends. We go to church, the chiropractor, coffee shops, grocery stores, restaurants, Target. Sure, not all of the above are closed, but I’m also not taking all of us out to any of them, because that’s the way we are choosing to isolate/shelter at home/quarantine, whatever. The point is, we are all doing this together, in one way or the other.

So what started as my virtual hug and words of encouragement to parents who find themselves educating their kids unexpectedly I now think is maybe for any parent– because whatever we’re doing right now is unexpected. If our kids are usually at school or daycare, here we find ourselves home with them all day, without the ability to take them to some of our usual escapes…and with our minds full of so much newness in our world, some of it incredibly taxing. If our kids are usually home with us all day, here we find ourselves still home with them all day but without the ability to take them to some of our usual escapes, and with our minds full of so much newness in our world, some of it is incredibly taxing. None of us is in the familiar. And none of us is alone. You are in new territory. I am in new territory.

Remember, your kiddo isn’t going to remember what they learned in a given subject area during these weeks– that isn’t the stuff that sticks all those years down the road. We adults know that. What’s gonna stick through this? When you think back to your childhood, what are the memories– good or bad? It is highly unlikely that your memories are made up of the quadratic formula or how to diagram a sentence or the capital of each state. Those things may or may not be stuck in your memory somewhere, but they are not what make your memories. You remember the smell of gingerbread early in the mornings, or how you busted your chin flipping over your handlebars, or playing Barbies with your sister, or making concoctions in the bathroom or kitchen sink (shout out to the moms who let their kids do that– my husband and I both have fond memories of these moments), or running in your yard, or talking on the phone to your friends and turning up that awesome song on the radio.

I know it seems big right now, insurmountable, but…it isn’t. The big stuff, the good stuff, the stuff that sticks is the stuff you’re probably already doing, or wish you were. So give yourself grace to make the memories. Don’t stress. You’re doing good. They’re going to be fine. You’ve got this. We’ve got this.

©Alisha H. Cary 2020