(Part 2/3)
Last week we started looking at some things, over time, left by the wayside in parenting. Things that don’t really matter but things I have majored on in some way during my early parenting years. Things that may have felt a little bit like a hill to die on, at least back then.
Have you ever:
*Questioned your parenting skills?
*Wondered if something was wrong with you or your child based on what someone else is doing or says you should be doing?
*Felt frustrated around some timeline that says your kid has to do something by a certain age?
Me too.
Frets, freak outs, sad feelings, frustration…over something everyone else seems to be doing or getting…except at your house.
I’ve been there. I won’t list every circumstance that has made me feel this way, but today we’re going to look at one thing that did make me feel this way. A thing a decade ago caused me some anxiety, but something since then I have left behind; realizing, in most situations, it just doesn’t matter.
I’m not sure how we’ll all feel about this one!
Potty Training.
Wait, what? Potty training is a thing that doesn’t matter?
You betcha it doesn’t.
Disclaimer- yep, there are exceptions to this. But today we are going to be working in “in general” territory, not “exception” territory. Carrying on…
I have been on the parenting side of potty training through four kids. That doesn’t make me an expert, but it does give me four mostly different experiences.
Before we begin, I need you to say something with me:
They won’t poop their pants forever.
They won’t.
I’ve been asked about potty training several times, and I think my response frees some parents and makes others think I’m crazy. That’s okay by me, because I don’t know if twelve years ago I would have listened to Today Me anyway.
Time can change us. So can kids and good friends.
If your child is ready to potty train, and you’re ready to tackle that, by all means, make it fun, celebrate, all of that.
But, as any parent of multiple kids probably knows, not all kids are “ready” at the same age, and some seem ready then regress. And sometimes, the parent isn’t ready, for any number of reasons. And that is okay.
When everyone in our circle of friends seems to be ahead of us on this curve, that can feel kind of stressy. Don’t let it.
Have grace for your toddler, yourself, and your friends with toddlers– we don’t all have to be ready at the same time.
Let me tell you, fellow mama, a tale of four potty trainers.
Potty trainer number one
Potty trained around age 2. I don’t know if he was ready but he needed to be potty trained to go to daycare. We did it the standard way, stickers and rewards. He did fine.
Some accidents followed, which is normal, but I won’t lie- I’d rather change a diaper than deal with wet (or worse) underwear.
All in all, it was fine.
Potty trainer number two
Potty trained after age 3.
Yes, I heard things like “He’s still in diapers?! He’s almost 3!”
(Don’t say that to a young mom. Or an old mom. Just don’t say it.)
She is already doubting herself about a hundred things.
Be kind.
Now for a plot twist– I didn’t potty train him. My 6 year old did.
Didn’t see that coming, did ya?
Me either.
I didn’t ask my child to potty train my other child. It’s just what happened. And then?? It was suddenly just…over.
Potty trainer number three
Announced to me one day: “I will learn to poop in the potty when I’m four.”
And I thought “Lord, no. Four?!? Nope.” But I said, “Okay.” And left it alone.
He started using the potty all on his own without much help from me–at around age 3.
The end. No big deal. AND—with this one, NO ACCIDENTS! It was just over. That was that.
Potty trainer number four
Work in progress? I can’t give a success story on this one yet.
My sweet and strong willed girl is 3.5. And still mostly in diapers. Yep.
Don’t say the thing. Don’t do it. We already talked about that.
She CAN use the toilet. She just usually doesn’t want to. I know when she does want to, it’ll be over and done with.
I CAN promise you I am not going to attempt to make her use the potty. I already know how that’s going to end, because I know my kid.
When it is her idea, completely, and not a moment before, she will do it and it will be over.
I wish I would’ve known earlier on in my mothering journey that I didn’t have to do everything by “the book” (whatever that means). I guess that’s part of the journey.
But time and some good friends have been sweet to this part of my motherhood.
Remember: this timeline doesn’t really matter. You don’t have to stress about it.
You can’t force this development, so rushing it or stressing over it doesn’t do anything productive.
Neither does hearing from/saying to another parent:
“WHY are you potty training so early?” or “He’s too old for diapers!”
What works for me doesn’t have to work for you- but it’s still okay if it works for me (and vice versa).
We aren’t a failure if they aren’t ready.
We aren’t a failure if we aren’t ready.
Yes, your kid has to learn to use the toilet. No, they don’t have to learn how to do it before they turn 2. Or 3.
Because they WILL learn how to do it.
Potty training by a certain age is not a thing with any eternal merit. It is not a thing worth getting bent out of shape about or fretting over. It is not worth a struggle in your relationship with your child (or your friends).
Kids really do not poop their pants forever. They really do figure it out, even if you do nothing (okay, so you probably have to do something– unless your firstborn does it for you).
It’s fine. Be free.
So, this thing may not matter- but there are things that do. We looked at two things that matter last week, and they’re the same this week, with some different details.
Relationships.
If I consider something to be of little value, but you consider it a joy, who’s wrong, me or you?
Neither.
We can find ourselves doing things that don’t actually matter and turning them into things that do— because the relationship that grows under the disguise of potty training can be something of value.
But if potty training or any other task is stealing our sanity, our joy, our relationships– ditch it.
Doing something or ditching something isn’t where the power is- the power is in the knowing that thing does or doesn’t matter.
That’s where you’re going to find freedom– there is freedom and power in realizing we aren’t in bondage to someone else’s timeline. Our kids aren’t, either.
Anything that strains your relationships is worth reevaluating.
Values.
The values you are teaching your kids DO matter. Those values look different for each family. In my house, I hope we are teaching our kids:
*like coffee, all music is not created equal. BUT- we can appreciate the talent and gifts present in every type of music (unlike coffee. Bad coffee is just plain bad).
*be a friend.
*get outside, it’s better than TV
*be a lifelong learner
*question everything (except their parents. Kidding. Sort of. )
*family matters
*do what drives- what innate drive has God given them? Do that. How can we help them do that?
So, parent, do what you need to do. Be consistent. Be intentional. Teach good things. Have fun. Love. Be silly. And take a look at the things around you- take the time to assess if they all really matter.
Keep what is good. And do not hesitate to leave what is lacking.
Some things, many things, most things, really just don’t matter. You don’t have to look much longer than a second to find what does.
You’re free to ditch the dross.
Your list may look very different from mine– but what have you learned over time just doesn’t matter? I’d absolutely love to see your list in the comments!
©Alisha H. Cary 2020
